Thankful

Today I am thankful for:

Calmer children

A quieter weekend

Pottering about

Lovely roast for dinner on Saturday

Dh working on tidying the yard and removing all traces of Tory

Getting reports and photos of Tory settling in well to his new home

PP No 3 not losing it when arriving for a party only to discover she had the wrong day ( it was actually the party girls fault)

Some knitting

Some hand sewing

Nail painting

Choc chip cookies

Friends to visit

Sunshine

Giggling girlies

Hot wheat bags

Coffee made with milk

Shawls

This week

Yes I am back to blogging as I fear my head will pop with all that’s going on inside it.

This week has been a total write-off

I have failed most miserably

I have just done washing and cooked a few meals

But on the whole

I have been really slack

Do I feel guilty?

You bet I do

But I felt paralysed to do anything else

I feel so overwhelmed with all that as gone on

I feel stuck

I don’t know when the real estate will be coming through to do her inspection

I have a nasty feeling she wont let us sign another lease and will want us to go week to week

If that happens,we will have to move

We can’t live with that uncertainty

With the risk that we could be given notice to move at any time that pleases them

Also that our rent could be put up at any moment

We are stretched as it is now.

I feel so useless and powerless.

Then there is the pain

Back pain with vengeance

I felt like someone had kicked me in the kidneys this morning

I often get out of bed in the mornings feeling worse than when I went to bed

I am stiff and sore

Doing anything is difficult

I know tis if people deal with worse pain everyday

But this is MY reality and I don’t like it one little bit

I can barely do anything I enjoy anymore

I have become this old lady who is basically a recluse who watches movies and has a cat on her lap

Slipping.

I feel like I am slipping

Heading down that slippery slope

Down to that dark hole

That holds the black dog.

This week and last week have been very stressful

Losing Tory,stress at work for hubby,2 weeks of exams for the girls

Probs with the real estate

I just wanted the girls to have a normal upbringing with security and a safe place to live

With pets and a veggie garden

I just wish the real estate agent would treat us with respect

Keeping us in the loop

Passing on information

Instead of lording it over us and keeping us in the dark

While all the time insisting she is proud of her communication with tenants

Ummm then why not it an * out of office * reply on her email when on sick leave leave for over a week ?

The stress of not knowing if we had a safe place to live

Has just about pushed me over the edge.

The not knowing,the lack of control

It has been so hard

The reduction of my meds has hit hard

I am barely managing

I get the girls up and then crawl back into bed

To sleep like the dead

I’m scared

I’m slipping

slipping

Slipping…………..

Goodbye Tory.

May you roam free on the farm with lots of doggy friends and other critters

Words can not express how much we will miss you

I think….

The time has come

To walk away.

From my blog.

I know a lot of people read

But few bother to post comments

I feel like I am talking to myself

And I can easily do that without a blog.

I felt this was my sane place

My place to talk about how I feel

But lately that’s not important.

I see the blogging community all around me

But I don’t feel a part of it

I never have done.

Thanks to those who do bother to comment

Take care everyone.

Bye.

The light …..

At the end of the tunnel

May not be an oncoming train.

But actually a light.

A shimmer of hope.

I was in a lot of pain last night so I took some painkillers

WOW!

What a difference

If I had known this I would have been chewing on them since Saturday.

I slept much better,only waking once.

I decided to go out today as I was getting a little cabin feverish

So I drove the girls to their bus and parked the car

I saw a Ford Anglia just like the Weasley car from Harry Potter

The number plate was WEA51Y.

I went into the newsagent and looked at some magazines and fondled some lovely scarves.

I had a free coffee and read some of the latest magazines.

I popped into the supermarket

And then came home.

Totally knackered

But feeling much more human.

I have been on my new dose of anti ds for 2 days now so my body can adjust to the new lower dose.

I think the worst is over

Thank goodness!

Not good.

Not good.

That is how I am feeling

Shakey

Heart thumping

Major headache.

All my joints hurts

Breathing is an effort

I ache all over

Today I gave in and went back to bed after I got the girls up

I slept for another 4 hrs.

I feel vague

Like my head is stuffed full of cotton wool

The most minor things take huge concentration

And I am scared

Scared I will not get through this withdrawal

Scared my depression will return with vengeance

Scared I won’t be able to function

Scared

Scared

Scared.

Did anyone………

Did anyone get the number of the truck that hit me?

I think we need to speak to the driver.

Dark

The blackness is wrapping around me

The pressure on my chest

The sadness in my soul

The darkness seeping inside me

Slowly consuming me

The pain in my head and inside my very soul

It lurks…

Just waiting to engulf me.

Not just for me,but for friends too

Two lovely friends are facing tough times

And there is nothing I can do to help

One has a sick child

A chronically ill child

And doctors are making their life esp stressful right now.

Another friend,whose H walked out on her

Is having health probs and difficulties making ends meet.

My heart breaks for both of them

And yet there is nothing I can do

Except offer cyber hand holding

Which is actually useless.

I want to crawl into the hole and rock and let go

All my fears of the withdrawal,which after some research,is not going to be pretty

In fact is going to be very tough.

I hate being ill.

I hate that my body betrays me.

I hate that in my dreams I am well and doing * normal* things

I hate that my children know way too much abut depression and arthritis and migraines

I hate that when plans get cancelled because of me being ill,my girls accept it without a murmur.

I hate the pain I live with daily

Both mentally and physically

I hate it!

There are times when I just want to give in

Slip beneath the surface and just surrender.

To drift away

And never worry again.

It’s so tempting

It would be so easy

But I can’t.

Couldn’t do it to my girls.

So I sit here,

In the darkness.

Things to be thankful for…….

Delicious homemade soup
Pumpkin

Chicken

*********

The car is fixed. It only took one day and cost $180

I have no idea how DH did it nor do I want to know.

**************

Some knitting

Another doctors appt today

He thinks I have serotonin syndrome

Another med to be reduced.

He thinks I may have an ulcer so has referred me to a gastrologist for tests

******
Started Xmas shopping

Got 5pr summer pjs for the girls for $17

***********

Harmony amongst pets!!

Finally got date for inspection

4 days after lease is up

Real estate won’t give me a straight answer as to if lease will be renewed.

******
Chilly nights and cooler days

Ahhhh bliss